Preface: Transparency Tuesday is a new concept I’d like to experiment with here on the blog. Each Tuesday my post will be about an issue I’m dealing with in my life, on a personal level. Whether it’s about the business I have (finding influencers, the struggle with giving things away for nothing, going “bankrupt” the first 3 months I was in business, etc), or my own personal issues surrounding love, life and being a mom. Please be kind. The only way we’re going to make change happen is when we’re honest with ourselves.
Now without further ado…. my very first #TransparencyTuesday….
What is holding you back?”
I have been asking myself that same question for what feels like more than half of my life. Since I was young I’ve been in pursuit of a higher plane of existence – I’ve had an urge to live an unconventional life: doing purposeful things, making good money, and being happy. I’ve never wanted to just exist. But for some reason, something stops me from breaking through the barrier.
Today, when I asked that elusive question I was really honest with myself, and the answer I had was this:
I have a distaste for people. . . which, is predicated on my expectations of them. (Tweet This)
Now that’s probably hard to hear from someone who claims to want to help you better your life right? Trust me, I struggle with the reality of my answer… that’s why I’m calling this Transparency Tuesday, but stick with me… it gets better. I promise.
People, in general, frustrate me. They upset me with how selfish they seem (and I’m talking about on a macro and micro level). I feel like people are selfish, egocentric and self-involved. They do what they want regardless of other people. And if we’re talking about the general public, I feel 90% of them are inconsiderate, and unaware of their surroundings. But why do I feel that way?
My goal in life is to help people achieve their goals and yet I can’t seem to like most of the human race, even 50% of the time. Now, I’m not an ogre or a judgemental asshole;
I don’t like people because I’ve let too many people treat me poorly.
And, I’ve let my emotions rule me when it comes to things they’ve done. Some people might not be offended by 70% of the things that happen to them – or around them – but not me, I take things very personally.
I’ve allowed this pattern in my life. I ‘ve allowed people to tell me one thing and then do another. I’ve allowed people to get away with things that affect me negatively because I usually talk myself out of my own feelings (until they resurface at a later date and are usually 10X stronger). I have been conditioned to believe that at some point, it was my fault and even if it’s a very minute contribution; I’m always partially to blame.
Feeling partial to blame, dilutes the impulse to be right. (Tweet This)
This is reinforced further by my need to please people. I want people to be proud of me. Sometimes it feels like a job, but in making that the emphasis – I’ve allowed myself to become different people in order to please whoever I’m spending time with. They will be proud of the person THEY see, not the person I AM. The resentment I feel because of the ache to be myself is unbounded.
A friend of mine said something to me in a conversation before my birthday (which was in January – so yes, two months thinking about this). We were discussing what to wear when we went out. I asked her what her husband would think of the outfit she chose and she said, “I don’t dress for him; I dress for me.”
When I aim to please people, I become expectant of their reaction (I dress for them, not for me). When I expect a reaction from someone and they don’t deliver I’m upset not just in the fact that they didn’t respond but that I had “expected more from them.” When I expect more and am repeatedly let down the resentment settles in, and the final result:
I dislike all people, not just those I feel have hurt me.
Man, do I have some work to do!
Now it’s your turn: “what’s holding you back?” Are you ready to answer that question honestly?
Things don’t always go the way we plan. A human’s greatest desire is to be happy, so when things don’t go the way we plan…. we put all of our energy into the why. We don’t take any time to consider what we could have done differently. Instead, we tell anyone who will listen (or everyone we know) what happened and how it makes us feel.
It’s natural to want other people’s support; we want to feel allied in our circumstances. We want to know that people feel bad for us and that someone cares. We want to feel like we’re not alone. The only problem is:
It limits our ability (and desire) to take action and create change.
I’m fairly certain you know someone like that right? We all have one in our lives: a person who complains about everything. But what they don’t realize is that sympathy and respect are not mutually exclusive.
“There is no victory in being the victim.”
People don’t respect you because you have problems, they respect you when you attempt to overcome those problems. There’s no winning for losing…unless it forces you to change.
A situation doesn’t change because you talk about it, it doesn’t get better because someone feels bad for you, a situation gets better when you take action.
So what actions can you take?
You only need one… and the rest will fall into place. DECIDE.
Decide that you will not be a victim.
Don’t give a situation more power than it deserves. Change is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.
Now is not forever…