Transparency Tuesday – A Poem

What It’s Like For Me: A Ode to Anxiety

It’s damn near impossible to escape it;
you can puff on a pen
or down a tiny pill,
but it’s still there
like a restless giant waking from a dormant slumber.
Once released, it’s much too hard
to be smart, or kind, or productive…
I’m the marionette to it’s Stromboli.
My heart races, my hands start to sweat
and like the tide rushing back to the ocean
all the heat leaves my body.
The words I know I should say
become imprisoned by feelings that dictate
what I eventually do manage to say,
feelings much stronger than I know what to do with.
Feelings that shapeshift into fears and phobias
and I desperately want to do something,
anything to let the air out of this shaken up 2-liter bottle of pop.
But I know if I twist the cap, I’m playing with fire
and nobody is safe…
NOBODY.
I sink into it, acknowledge it and pray

that there isn’t anybody stupid enough to asks me for a drink…

(c) Copyright Held 2018 by Alicia Rautenberg
Please do not reproduce without permission

 

Transparency Tuesday: The Post-Op Appointment

Transparency Tuesday is a concept I’m experimenting with here on the blog. Each Tuesday my post will be about an issue I’m dealing with in my life on a personal level. Whether it’s about the business I have (finding influencers, the struggle with giving things away for nothing, going “bankrupt” the first 3 months I was in business, etc), or my own personal issues surrounding love, life and being a mom. I won’t be high-lighting anything; this is the real deal.


“We found a 4mm nodule on your left lung, at the top…. what we suggest is that you follow up with your primary care physician for a CT scan.” My heart was pounding, way more than it had been in the week prior.

I had noticed something was weird on Thursday after my appendix surgery. I was short of breath walking up one flight of stairs, and I had these weird twinges of pain in my chest. I wrote it off as anxiety because I was about to get on a plane for New York. I was beyond excited so I figured the excitement was causing me to be acutely sensitive.

It was still pretty bothersome in New York. My friend Stephanie and I would be walking around the city and I could barely have a conversation with her between breaths. I blamed it on my surgery because, in all honesty, I wasn’t sure if it was (or could be) the culprit. I knew my follow up appointment was May 1st, so I waited it out. However, the chest pain and the shortness of breath weren’t changing.

When I got to my appointment they looked at my incisions, poked around, and then asked, “do you have any other concerns?”

“I have a hard time catching my breath and when I take in deep breaths my chest hurts.” I put my hand on the right side of my chest.

Continue reading

Transparency Tuesday: Social Media Influencers


Transparency Tuesday is a concept I’m experimenting with here on the blog. Each Tuesday my post will be about an issue I’m dealing with in my life on a personal level. Whether it’s about the business I have (finding influencers, the struggle with giving things away for nothing, going “bankrupt” the first 3 months I was in business, etc), or my own personal issues surrounding love, life and being a mom. I won’t be high-lighting anything; this is the real deal.


ss-2018-new-year-800x533My goal at the onset of 2018 was to “land” two social media influencers.

What does that mean? It meant getting my product in the hands of social media “stars” who had large followings and a large influence on that following. Get them to wear my stuff, and post it on their Instagram page.

The problem was, I had no idea how I was going to do it. I didn’t even really know how it all worked. I tried to Google it, but nobody could tell me the process of how exactly to get ahold of influencers (was it DM, was it email) or what to say once you had their attention. But you know what they say – your intention is the first step to getting what you want.

By the end of February, I had two.

Continue reading

Transparency Tuesday: I Don’t Like People!

Preface: Transparency Tuesday is a new concept I’d like to experiment with here on the blog. Each Tuesday my post will be about an issue I’m dealing with in my life, on a personal level. Whether it’s about the business I have (finding influencers, the struggle with giving things away for nothing, going “bankrupt” the first 3 months I was in business, etc), or my own personal issues surrounding love, life and being a mom. Please be kind. The only way we’re going to make change happen is when we’re honest with ourselves.

Now without further ado…. my very first #TransparencyTuesday….


What is holding you back?”

I have been asking myself that same question for what feels like more than half of my life. Since I was young I’ve been in pursuit of a higher plane of existence –  I’ve had an urge to live an unconventional life: doing purposeful things, making good money, and being happy. I’ve never wanted to just existBut for some reason, something stops me from breaking through the barrier.

Today, when I asked that elusive question I was really honest with myself, and the answer I had was this:

I have a distaste for people. . . which, is predicated on my expectations of them. (Tweet This)

Now that’s probably hard to hear from someone who claims to want to help you better your life right? Trust me, I struggle with the reality of my answer… that’s why I’m calling this Transparency Tuesday, but stick with me… it gets better. I promise.

People, in general, frustrate me. They upset me with how selfish they seem (and I’m talking about on a macro and micro level). I feel like people are selfish, egocentric and self-involved. They do what they want regardless of other people. And if we’re talking about the general public, I feel 90% of them are inconsiderate, and unaware of their surroundings. But why do I feel that way?

My goal in life is to help people achieve their goals and yet I can’t seem to like most of the human race, even 50% of the time. Now, I’m not an ogre or a judgemental asshole;

I don’t like people because I’ve let too many people treat me poorly.

And, I’ve let my emotions rule me when it comes to things they’ve done. Some people might not be offended by 70% of the things that happen to them – or around them – but not me, I take things very personally.

I’ve allowed this pattern in my life. I ‘ve allowed people to tell me one thing and then do another. I’ve allowed people to get away with things that affect me negatively because I usually talk myself out of my own feelings (until they resurface at a later date and are usually 10X stronger). I have been conditioned to believe that at some point, it was my fault and even if it’s a very minute contribution; I’m always partially to blame.

Feeling partial to blame, dilutes the impulse to be right. (Tweet This)

This is reinforced further by my need to please people. I want people to be proud of me. Sometimes it feels like a job, but in making that the emphasis – I’ve allowed myself to become different people in order to please whoever I’m spending time with. They will be proud of the person THEY see, not the person I AM.  The resentment I feel because of the ache to be myself is unbounded.

A friend of mine said something to me in a conversation before my birthday (which was in January – so yes, two months thinking about this). We were discussing what to wear when we went out. I asked her what her husband would think of the outfit she chose and she said, “I don’t dress for him; I dress for me.”

When I aim to please people, I become expectant of their reaction (I dress for them, not for me). When I expect a reaction from someone and they don’t deliver I’m upset not just in the fact that they didn’t respond but that I had “expected more from them.” When I expect more and am repeatedly let down the resentment settles in, and the final result:

I dislike all people, not just those I feel have hurt me.

Man, do I have some work to do!

Now it’s your turn: “what’s holding you back?” Are you ready to answer that question honestly?